Maybe True FAQ:
We are by no means experts, please do not use this FAQ as anything but entertainment. Any damage to you or your child is your own fault NOT OURS!
Q: How far can a newborn shoot poop?
A: So far about 5 feet! (as of 1 week old)
Q: Will my little boy pee on me with every diaper change?
A: Most of them, several times with some of them.
Q: When will this child sleep?!?
A:Whenever you don't want to sleep.
Q: OK, so he finally fell asleep, like I can dangle him from his toes asleep. Should I change his poopy diaper?
A: Only if you are willing for him to be wide awake again, with no chance of sleep in your near future. (don't leave him in poop please.)
Q: When will I be able to go to sleep.
A: Never, DUH!
Q: What do you do with a screaming child?
A: Hand him to mommy.
Q: What do you do with a calm child?
A: Hand him to daddy. (most likely to result in screaming child, refer to previous Q: for solution.)
Q:How many diapers can we possibly go through in a single changing session?
A: So far 3. (as of 2 weeks old)
Q: How do you know when to change his diaper?
A: If there is poop on your hand, you may want to consider changing it.
Q: How do I calculate how much longer things like grocery shopping will take?
A: Calculate? You obviously need a nap, There is no such thing as a timeframe anymore.
Q: How cute is my kid?
A: The cutest ever, of all time, times infinity! (We may be a bit partial though.)
Q: What is a sure fire way to get your baby into a frantic screaming fit?
A: Put him in his car seat and go for a drive.
Q: Aren't kids supposed to fall asleep in their car seat due to the noise and motion?
A: Sure, just as soon as he has exhausted himself from the screaming. (He doesn't seem to like being restrained.)
Q: What will my baby's first word be?
A: NO!
Q: How do I get my son to run and play?
A: Say Nap.
